Because the private sector can do things so much better
[CAPTAIN]: Atlanta Center, good evening, this is Flight 7700 requesting descent into Hartsfield International Airport.
[ATC]: Hi welcome to Atlanta Center, brought to you by The Home Depot. How may I assist your flight?
[CAPTAIN]: Uh, we’d like descent clearance to Atlanta please.
[ATC]: Ok, one moment please while I look up your flight, may I place you in a hold?
[CAPTAIN]: Copy that, entering holding pattern.
Thirty minutes later…
[CAPTAIN]: Atlanta Center, Flight 7700, any update on when we may be able to descend?
[ATC]: We’re sorry, all of our ATC representatives are busy assisting other flights. All calls will be answered in the order they were received. Your flight is important to us, please continue to hold.
Thirty minutes later…
[CAPTAIN]: Atlanta Center, Flight 7700, we’re getting pretty low on fuel now, is there any update on our descent clearance?
[ATC]: I’m sorry to hear that you’re having problems, let me see what I can do to help. Who do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?
[CAPTAIN]: This is Captain Clarence Oveur.
[ATC]: Great, thank you, and for security purposes, Captain Over, could you please tell me your mother’s maiden name?
[CAPTAIN]: Uh seriously?
[ATC]: I’m sorry, sir, but that name does not match our records. How about a different security question, what is your pet’s name?
[ATC]: And who was the best man at your wedding?
[CAPTAIN]: Ted Striker.
[ATC]: What hospital was your favorite author’s college roommate born in?
[ATC]: And finally, Captain Over, may I please have the last four digits of your social?
[ATC]: Wonderful, thank you for your patience, now how may I assist your flight?
[CAPTAIN]: We’ve been trying to land for over an hour now.
[ATC]: I’m sorry to hear that, I can assure you that we will do everything possible to get you to your destination. Unfortunately, due to unusually large flight volumes at the moment, we will need you to continue holding.
[CAPTAIN]: This is unacceptable, I would like to speak with your supervisor.
[ATC]: I can do that for you, please hold… Did you know The Home Depot is your source for all your…
[ATC]: Hi, I’m the supervisor with Atlanta Center, may I have your name please?
[CAPTAIN]: Atlanta Center, Flight 7700, declaring emergency, we are low on fuel, request immediate clearance to Hartsfield International.
[ATC]: It looks like our fraud team has placed an alert on your flight.
[CAPTAIN]: What does that even mean?
[ATC]: I’m sorry sir, but I’m unable to assist you in this matter over the radio. Feel free to come in to one of our branch locations and an ATC representative will be able to…
[CAPTAIN]: Screw this, we’re landing NOW!
[ATC]: Have a great day. Your satisfaction is very important to us. If you’d like to take a brief survey, please remain on the line…